I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
