my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
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