i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
