Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize