I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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