Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
