i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
