I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Found the puke drawer
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
