I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
