you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
