Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
