I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize