This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
