I accidentally had phone sex last night
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
