i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
