I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
