i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
