my phone needs a breathalizer
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
