there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
