I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There r osticjed everywhere
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
