U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
