i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
