1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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