I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
