The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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