new low.... made out with someone while peeing
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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