we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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