If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize