Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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