Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
