there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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