cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i will never coherently bang her
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
