never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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