Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
