I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
