Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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