I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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