you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
