I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
not ubering you a puppy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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