all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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