Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
