i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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