I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
