the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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