my mouth tastes like poor choices
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
