I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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