I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize