i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
