Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
