I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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