i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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