my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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