What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Are my feet made of real feet?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize