Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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