have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
