I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
