she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
