my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
