I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
